It’s natural for us humans to strive, to reach for things higher than our current situation in life. I did when I was your age. Still do… just for (very) different things.

(I don’t believe many middle and high schoolers are praying for a safe summer and for their children to become good men. If you are… well, we should talk.)

Having goals are good. Something to aim at is important. We all should strive to become better versions of ourselves each and every day.

Here are two questions: at what are you striving? And, what are you missing in the process?

The Little Moments…

This morning, I put a new razor blade on my razor. (Again… you’ll get there.) The difference was enormous – no discomfort. Just smooth sailing and a much better shaving experience.

For some reason, I stopped and thought ‘Man – that was great’ and smiled.

Then I thought… why don’t I think that more often about a lot of things? And, for the next hour or two, I did.

A long part of the road from our house to the airport was super smooth. The fact that I could listen to a podcast out of my phone struck me as close to magic. The gentleman driving our parking shuttle at the airport was kind and thoughtful, especially towards Kate. A baby being held in front of me in the TSA line gave me the biggest smile you’ve ever seen….

Now… how many times have I missed these little moments? How many times have I been so busy with other things on my mind or rushing to the next ‘goal completion’ or just not present enough to recognize and enjoy them.

Millions of times. And we all do it. Head phones in. Head in the calendar. Eyes on the screen…. Hm.

But it’s the recognition of these little things that lead to a…

Big Life

My grandmothers grew up with pretty much nothing in a material sense. While they lived within a few hours of the ocean, they didn’t see it until late in life. They raised their own food, sewed their clothing. The Great Depression was on… and they didn’t even realize it.

When I asked Munner what she thought was the greatest invention in her lifetime – refrigeration, vaccines, rockets, tv, etc. – she answered immediately: air-conditioning. Growing up without in the Deep South sets a different perspective.

But yet they had big lives.

Big families. Sunday dinners at which both friends and families sat together. Card games that would go on for hours, punctuated with laughter, jeers and more. They had deep faiths, strong bonds with their neighbors, and were concerned about their community.

They didn’t ‘finish’ rich in terms of money or accolades. But, they were deeply loved and gave that love unselfishly and unreservedly to those around them.

Near the end of their time with us, I got to hold Ginny’s hand during a hard moment at Two Lights. Munner invited me for a glass of sweet tea and a pimento cheese sandwich on a Tuesday.

I’m happy to have those memories. They are more than worth the two hours in the car, missing a round of golf, playing a video game or whatever else I was doing as a young man.

A Mother’s Advice

I was reminded recently of a quote I love:

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” – Mother Teresa of Calcutta

With all the marvels of today, it’s easy for us to strive for bigger and ‘better’ things. However, it’s actually more important to do and appreciate the little things.

Loving on your (sometimes annoying) little or big sibling. Cleaning up the table for your parents who’ve dealt with today more than you can realize right now. Rubbing your partner’s feet. Caring for the pet. Calling your grand parent out of the blue, just to say ‘hello.’

These things… these little moments are those that will change the world.

How? The same way the oceans were formed…. One drop at a time.

Have a good weekend. Can’t wait to see you at camp.

PS – How does this relate to camp? Well… just about every moment at camp is a little one. And, without the distraction of school, after school activities, your phone, your games, etc… you just get to be where you are.

At camp, we can truly be present. And enjoy that for what it is: A gift!

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Even as ‘individuals’, though we very rarely do anything truly on our own, we can add great beauty into the world. Think of Mother Teresa, Aristotle, Van Gogh and Hokusai.

We are also capable of a lot of darkness. Pick up any history book and it’ll be happy to tell you about all the bad in the past.

But here is the thing: the history books rarely tell the story of the good nearly as much as they do the story of the bad.

Seeing Clearly

The other day, I read a quote I can’t get out of my head:

If you only see the bad, you aren’t seeing clearly.

Just like the history books, we humans want to focus on ‘the bad.’ The test you didn’t do well on. That joke that didn’t land. Those posts that didn’t get enough likes. Wrong notes on the scale, poor shots hit in front of a crowd….

This feeling is not a bug of our human system. It’s actually a feature and, throughout history, it’s been a darn good one. (How long do you think we’d have lasted if we kept trying to feed saber-tooth tigers berries from our hands?)

Remembering the bad can be very useful. I remember the time a snake leapt at me from a rock I flipped over one summer in Georgia as a kid. I’ve been very thoughtful turning over rocks since.

Seeing the Good Plus…

If we aren’t careful, though, we’ll let the bad dominate our vision and thinking. And, what we think consistently becomes the story of our lives.

Think ‘I can’t hit that note’ often enough or ‘I’ll never figure it out’ a bunch and… you probably won’t. Or, at the very least, you’ve made it a lot harder to do so.

We have to intentionally flood our thoughts with the good things. I’ve heard some researchers say the ‘recognize the good to recognizing the bad’ should be a 3 to 1 ratio.

Meaning? You need to think of the canteen you got that day + all the laughing you did at the waterfront + the crazy fun evening activity you just enjoyed to overcome the missing home feeling when you wrote your letter home.

It also helps to think of the emotion or feeling when you remember the good. In fact, you should really feel it. Your subconscious doesn’t know the difference between ‘real’ and ‘imagined’ emotions. So, if you are intentional, you can insert really good emotions within your imagination surrounding a successful attempt.

Real Life

I recently played in a golf tournament against a bunch of (old) pros. The 18^th hole had water on both sides of the fairway and there was more trouble by the green. In the first round, I made an 8, a quadruple bogey. Not good. Really.

Now, I played the other 17 holes really well. If I went home and thought only about the worst hole I’ve played in competition since high school, I would have missed all the good things I’d done earlier that round.

I chose to do two things that evening. First, I spent time thinking through all the good things that happened that day. Secondly, I imagined playing the 18^th perfectly. I even added in the emotion I’d feel for hitting the fairway, then hitting the green in regulation and then making the putt. I imagined (and felt it) 10 times the way I wanted.

All this took effort, intention. And, it made feel great about the day. How’d I play the 18^th in the 2^nd round? I barely missed the putt for a 3 and finished with a 4 – a 50% improvement!

Make the Effort

Friends, make the effort to see good. It’s easy to see and even fixate on the ‘bad.’ (Though, the ‘bad’ is just there to teach us what to do differently.) And, if you are having a hard time seeing the good, reach out to a loved one and be honest. I bet they can help. You can always call me, too!

It’s a little more than 100 days to start of camp. Can’t wait to get there and focus on the good while learning from the ‘constructive’ with all of you!

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…when, on a trip to Israel, I met my hero and now my friend, Natan Sharansky, I really only had one question for him. I asked him if it was possible to teach courage. 

He paused and said this: “No. You can’t teach it. You can only show people how good it feels to be free.”

Bari Weiss, 92^nd Street Y Address

By now, if you’ve been a part of Weequahic or read anything we’ve written, you’ve come across our feeling about ‘courage.’ I’ve written about it a few times. 

As a person who beats the drum about ‘courage,’ I was stopped by Mr. Sharansky’s reply. And, I think he may be right. 

Definition

So, before we start, how do we define courage? The Oxford Dictionary defines courage as the ability to do something that frightens one.  So, in other words, you’ve got to be afraid in order to be courageous. 

It doesn’t matter if you are feeling fear from looking down from the zipline station or getting on the bus for the first time, getting up on stage to address the whole camp or connect with your new bunkmate soon-to-be friends. Feeling no fear? No courage is needed. 

And, without courage, there is no freedom – from fear or anything else. Campers, this is important:

Just because you ‘feel’ fear doesn’t mean you are ‘captured’ by it. You still have the freedom to act as you’d like. It’s simply up to you.

Viewing Courage

When I think of teaching, I mostly think of book-learning and Mrs. Vipperman introducing biology to me as a seventh grader, chalk in hand and frog in front of me. (She was a heck of a teacher – and very memorable.) And, I’ve learned (a bit) about courage and the freedom it creates from books.

I’ve read a lot about people who have shown courage. Whether it be about Dr. King or George Washington or Mahatma Ghandi or Mother Teresa or Harry Potter or John Snow, I’ve got stories and stories and stories in my head of people who lived ‘free.’ 

From these stories, we can be introduced to courage and living free. It’s better, though, to be surrounded by people from whose example you can learn in real time. 

‘Doing’ Courage

The second best way to learn how to live free is to watch those around you. At camp, counselors come to mind first. They’ve chosen to become part of something larger than themselves and pour everything they have into making the summer amazing. It takes courage on their part to do so. Why? Because it would be so much easier staying home and working at the GAP or the coffee shop or doing an internship in some big office. But… those things are rarely as meaningful, purpose-full or fun.

The next group I think about as ‘examples’ are our CITs. Watching them balance their responsibilities of leading camp with the fantastic benefits of being a CIT (fridge in your bunk, more flexible time, their own Cove space, etc.) is very instructive. 

The very best way, though, to learn anything (just about) is to do it. Badly, at first, most likely. When you learned to walk, it was a stumbling, bumbling, hair raising experience for both you and your parents (for different reasons.) But you learned. 

Courage is the same way. Start off by standing up against something small that frightens you. For example….

I remember young Luke being afraid of snakes at first. With the help of a fantastic naturalist and surrounded by his parents, Luke (barely) touched a small black snake.  A little later that day, he held it with the naturalist’s hands underneath his own. After learning more and taking instruction seriously, a few days later Luke handled the snake on his own. Ultimately, he wound up showing other kids the snakes and helping them through their own fear.

Requirements

What does it take to build courage? A couple of things: 

1.     Opportunity – you can’t start practicing if you don’t have the opportunity. Camp, as you may have already guessed, is a great opportunity. So is the classroom! 

2.     Encouragement – Get around people who you KNOW want the best for you and let their support put wind in your sails. Your parents, coaches, teachers, siblings (yes, I said it) and close friends. And DEFINITELY your camp people.

3.     Curiosity – You’ll never know what is on the other side of that fear you are feeling until you experience it. If your curiosity edges out your fear, you’ll be ready to show the courage to try. 

4.     Safety Net – Hey, Miguel would never let you on the trapeze without the net, your safety harness and several good pairs of hands to support you. Kiera and Osmar wouldn’t let you climb without your harness, a properly tied rope, helmet and spotter. Make sure you’ve got your safety net around you… and then jump!

Courage will open up the world to you. You’ll be able to enjoy more thoughtful relationships, experience deeper satisfaction and extend past your self-perceived limits. There will certainly be bumps in the road and…, well, so much more joy, too. 

Go on, camper. Take the first step to get past that fear and feel the joy of being free. We’ll be here to help.

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Time on the internet has increased dramatically from 2009 to today. During that same time period, the average amount of sleep and ‘in-person’ interactions have plummeted.

And, guess what the results for happiness did? Just like the rockets that don’t pop their ‘chutes at camp: straight down.

But, if you spend any time at camp, this isn’t a surprise. There are no phones and very, very little internet. There is an abundance of in-person interaction. In fact, you can hardly get away from it. And, (believe it or not parents), there is a lot of sleep – at least 8 hours for even our oldest campers.

Here’s the kicker graph to me:

Now, this graph is ‘correlational’ rather than ‘causal.’ That means it’s not proven that spending time texting or on social media or internet causes you to feel unhappy. It could be that when you are unhappy, you reach out to those options.

Either way, we know the things on the top of the graph – with the scores moving to the right – are either making you happy or are things you do when you are happy.

Want to know something crazy? It really doesn’t matter if it’s a before or after scenario. The more you do things that are correlated to your happiness, the happier you’ll be.

At camp, you can pretty much do everything that is purple in the graph above… except the news things. Yes, you can even do homework… if your parents request it. The things in yellow? Almost impossible to do at Weequahic.

Here’s the thing: you know you are happy at camp. So, make your life in other areas as happy as you can by making it more like camp.

How? Start by getting off your phone and around others. Go play. Volunteer your time. Reach a book. Write a list of you are grateful for rather than spending time scrolling. There are lots of ways. You just have to get creative and decide to go and do.

Get out there, Weequahic. Move! Interact! Sleep! And be happy.

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One young guy asked a question about the seven ‘deadly’ sins. It was a phrase I’d not heard in a while so we looked them up: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth.

These were first discussed in the 6th century. The idea was to name the ‘foundational’ challenges (or sins) that lead us humans to other challenges. If we knew what the bad things were, the thought went, we could defend against them.

All are pretty self-explanatory. Thinking of yourself too much (pride), being jealous of others (envy), getting really, really angry (wrath), having that 4th… or 7th cookie (gluttony),etc. But, being the overbearing camp director that I am, we started going through each one. 

About three quarters of the way through, another young man looked up and said, “It seems like most of these could be categorized as ‘wanting.’ I want too much food, too much entertainment, too much money.”

It was a great insight by an 8th grade guy. But what came next was even better. 

The Antidote

One of the other dads in the group looked around, smiled and asked, ‘If most of these problems start with wanting too much, what’s the antidote? How do you stop it from getting going?”’ 

Without batting an eye, the young man responded, “Probably being grateful for what you have.” 

Bingo.

This principle applies as much to an 8th grader as it does to a business tycoon as it does to a writer. In fact, I recently heard a story that brought this idea home. 

Kurt Vonegurt wrote about an experience he and fellow writer Joseph Heller had together. While at some big party in a fancy house, Vonegurt looked at Heller and said, “Joe, how does it feel knowing that our host made more money yesterday than your book, Catch 22, made in its history?” 

To quote the rest: 

And Joe said, “I’ve got something he can never have.”

And I said, “What on earth could that be, Joe?”

And Joe said, “The knowledge that I’ve got enough.”

Enough

That’s a hard thing to do in this day and age. It’s soooo easy to find examples of what you don’t have – more things, more recognition, more free time. Culture is set up around us to egg that ‘wanting’ onward. 

And, frankly, some of that wanting is a good thing. You want to better yourself and the circumstances of those around you. You want justice for those not receiving it. You want and work towards understanding. 

For many of us, there comes a moment when you simply forget to be grateful for that and those which are in your life because you are so focused on wanting ‘more’… whatever that ‘more’ is. That marks the point of diminishing returns, the downward slide. 

At some point, there has to be enough. Because striving towards things that don’t fill you up in a way that makes you and your loved ones better will start to do damage to you and your loved ones eventually. Mr. Heller knew this. The young man around the table knows it as well.

What is Enough?

Now, ‘enough’ will seem to be different for you at different times. What is enough in middle school is different than in college or when you are a parent. The funny thing is that it is really not that different at all. In a letter to his wife, Abigail, President John Adams said it best:

The longer I live, the more I read, the more patiently I think, and the more anxiously I inquire, the less I seem to know…Do justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly. This is enough.

Works for me and probably will for you, too. Have a great weekend. 

(Full disclosure: I was battling ‘pride’ myself around that table. The young man who had the insight and answer above is a Weequahic guy through and through.)

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Flawed Can Be Perfect

When Kate asked me 11 years ago if we should go ‘look at a puppy’, my response was no ever goes and just looks at a puppy. “No, this one has already been promised to a breeder out in California,” she responded. So, I relented. We loaded the young Kelly boys into the mini-van and off we went.

Of course, once we got to the breeder, Sumo (as Mac was originally known due to his ample puppy-girth) was now available. He’d been found to have a ‘defective’ internal part. It was not something you (or Mac) would ever notice. It wouldn’t affect his life in anyway. But the breeder in California didn’t want him because he was ‘flawed.’

Well, he certainly turned out perfect for us.   

Be Excited to See… Everyone

Arriving home from trips visiting prospective families, I knew I would get a nice ‘welcome back’ from Kate and the boys. But Mac’s tail-wagging and smiling and barking routine was fantastic.

He didn’t save that just for me. He was excited to greet everyone: our UPS driver when she arrived at the front porch, Assistant Director Sue upon her daily stop by our home office, Kate’s parents when they dropped something off or came for dinner, and the families around the neighborhood.

Everyone got a wag and a sniff from Mac. Sometimes they even got a tooth-baring smile. It didn’t matter if he knew you for years or it was a first time. While some would say that was just Mac wanting some attention, I’d ask this question: ‘But did his greeting make you feel good?’

Of course. It’s always nice when someone is excited to see you.

Discipline = Freedom

When I grew up in Georgia, dogs were allowed to roam the neighborhood. (Fine… insert the crotchety-old-man music here.) My first dog would go off for gallivants without a care. She’d always return, sometimes days later and normally with a new friend in tow.

Today, dogs are much more contained. They are always on leash when out and, if in a yard, sit behind a metal or electric fence of some sort. I can’t help but feel sad for these pack animals who were built to roam. But most don’t have the discipline for such freedom.

At camp, Mac had the run of the place, no leash and no fence required. Why? Because he had demonstrated a lot of discipline during his time with us. He didn’t eat off the table. He didn’t run after cars. If we asked him to sit or stay or get down, he would.

Let’s be clear: this discipline did not come naturally or easily. Kate and I (but mostly Kate) spent a great deal of time training, walking, correcting and caring for Mac.

Over time, he learned that because of the discipline he showed in many little things, he would gain freedom to move about camp as he wished. And, his continued discipline demonstrated around the kids and staff of Weequahic kept that freedom open.

This is the same with us. If we are disciplined with our eating or exercise or money or impulses, we’ll have more freedom to enjoy things both now and in the future. But that discipline, while vitally important, doesn’t come easy. It takes a lot of training… and a bit of love.

Lessons from a Dog’s Life

Mac certainly taught us more than just the lessons above. Some lessons he tried to teach never quite took. For instance, we like the video drone more than he did. And, we’d rather not try to get a fish off a hook with our mouths. Both seemed to work well for Mac, though.

The biggest lesson is one of companionship. To Mac, we were part of his pack, his tribe. He didn’t talk, he didn’t put a hand over the shoulder or give advice. His simple presence was enough. And maybe that’s enough for all of us.

Have a great week, everyone!

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I blame a quote I recently re-encountered.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer…. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

from Dune by Frank Hebert

I used to think of needing to build up armor around myself to protect against fear. If I could simply protect myself or my loved ones from the need to fear, I’d have ‘won.’ But that’s not how fear works.

The Fear Reaction

Let’s take, for example, a camper who gets onto the bus to camp for the first time.

The act itself is simple, isn’t it? Walk up a few steps, down a little pathway, and plop down into the comfy seat set aside just for you. If you want to add a bit of complexity, you figure out what to do with your bus bag and, hopefully, smile and introduce yourself to the other new camper sitting next to you.

But, for many of our first-time campers, those simple action-steps are accompanied with a lot of internal perceptions, questions and reactions: will the kids be nice? What are my parents thinking? Wait a second, I’m going where? What if….

Those internal perceptions accompanying a seemingly set of actions can trigger the fear response, an emotional overload which leads to withdrawal for some and tears for others.

In this situation, ‘armour’ is not what a camper needs. Instead, they need the internal strength to let the fear response wash over them and leave. Want know what helps develop this internal awareness, this internal strength?

Stories and Effort

We all are immersed in stories from our earliest days. Great stories show people who overcome challenges, who live lives of purpose and meaning, and demonstrate the power of community. As we age, we switch from the make-believe to the stories of great humans from history like Dr. King, Mother Theresa, Mrs. Parks, and Churchill.

By learning from others, even from the likes of Harry Potter or Hermione Granger, we begin to develop the story we tell ourselves. If we are fortunate, we begin to internalize these stories in a way that adds to our internal strength. We see ourselves reaching out to those in need, rising to the occasion, overcoming challenge.

When you combine these stories with purposeful effort, you supercharge the feelings of confidence and competence. You give yourself the best chance to learn from mistakes and move forward. And, you attract others to your side to lend a hand.

Summer Camp Solution

That’s the beauty of camp. It combines a lot of great stories, a ton of support from engaged staff and lots of opportunities to practice. When done well, these aspects come together to create a virtuous cycle of increasing internal strength and connection and community.

Does fear go away? Nope. There will always be situations when it washes in. But, with stories and effort and community, fear is more likely to wash in and out, leaving nothing but your true, valiant self behind.

So, for our first-time campers above: recognize the anxiety about getting into a new situation and let it blow away. You are more excited about going to camp than anything else. Stick your hand out, smile and put in the effort. You are going to do great! We’ll be there by you as along as you need.

Happy Halloween!

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A young family purchased an old home by a pond. It shared the pond with another house that could be seen from the porch outside their kitchen. The little girl in the new house spent a lot of time outside looking at the pond… and the house next door.

You see, right next to that well-kept, neat little home was a big garden. It looked wild and beautiful and chaotic and calming all at the same time. It was very curious.  And the little old man who tended the garden was an even greater curiosity.

She couldn’t tell for certain but it seemed to the little girl that whenever the old man walked through the garden, the plants straightened just a bit more, the leaves danced, and the colors got a bit brighter. When her curiosity got the best of her, the little girl decided to investigate.

Creeping silently over to the garden – she was a little girl with very quiet feet – she began to feel happier and calmer at the same time. The air was fresher, much like the air here at camp. The sun was brighter yet not harsh. And the colors! It was like walking through a rainbow.

As she walked garden she noticed lilacs and roses and blueberries and raspberries and pears and daffodils and vines and… hm… those are briars. And, over there, she noticed some weeds. She had helped her mother pull a whole wagon load of those from around their house. And a clump of dandelions that her father really didn’t like. But these weeds had flowered and seemed to be living in harmony with the other plants.

While she was exploring a particularly full blueberry bush, the whole garden got quiet for just a moment. And then, to confirm what she had seen the days before, the old gardener walked in to his garden… and everything got taller and brighter and danced just a bit more.

Was he the reason for this change? As she hid inside the blueberry bush, the little girl watched the old man. He walked differently than most adults she knew. Rather than forging right ahead, swinging their arms and having a face set with purpose, he walked… thoughtfully and almost gingerly. He was barefoot and had a smile on his face and bent down to inspect or share a word with or clip a bit of each plant and flower and shrub and tree and weed he passed.

As he… well, almost glided up to the raspberry bush next to her hiding place, the old gardener said, “My, you raspberries look positively jealous of how full the blueberries are today.” And, with a smile on his face and twinkle in his eye, he looked right at the little girl.

She jumped back. She didn’t want to be in trouble. Rather than being mad, the old gardener sat right down in his spot, laughed, and beckoned her to come out. That’s when she noticed the baby raccoon he had in his lap. Where had that come from?

“It’s ok, dear, you can come out now. I called your mother when I saw you walk into the garden. We are old friends. She knows you are here and asked me to send you home when you are ready. Until then, would you like to share some blueberries with Forrest, here?”

At this, the little girl looked up and saw her mother on their home porch. Her mom waved and gave her the thumbs up. Everything was ok. And, though she couldn’t tell exactly, it seemed as though her mom was smiling and hugging herself.

Venturing out of her not-very-good hiding place, she sat down next to the old gardener. Even though his clothes were old and bare feet dirty from walking in the garden, he smelled fresh. And, though the sun was bright, he seemed brighter still. Forrest the raccoon jumped into her lap and began licking her fingers which were blue with blueberry juice.

“Why does the garden get brighter and taller when you come in?” she asked. She had always been very direct.

The old gardener laughed and said, “You know, it was a trick my wife taught me a long time ago. Back then, I was too busy to garden or notice or even say thank you. But not her. Marigold was kind to everyone, always made time for people, and cared for them. I didn’t know how to really explain how she made me and others feel until I read a note from a guy named Marcel Proust:

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”

In order to honor her memory, I do my best to make everyone and everything around me happy.”

The little girl thought for a moment and then asked:

“You don’t walk like most old people I know. Why do you glide the way you do?”

“It was something my grandfather taught me once a long time ago. He was a native American who had learned it from his own grandfather. I’d forgotten what he’d taught me it until a few years ago. He used to tell me, ‘Grandson, we have too much in this world for which to be grateful. It is not enough that we say ‘thank you.’ We must walk as if our feet were kissing the ground.’ I’ve tried to do that more and more since I remembered his lesson.”

That sounded funny but made sense to the little girl. After playing with Forrest a bit, the little girl pointed at the flowering weed with briars on it. “You have such a beautiful garden. Why do you care for the weeds, too?”

“I do pick those weeds from time to time when they get a little too unruly,” he said. “Just the way I prune the rest of the garden. But there is a lot of beauty in weeds just as there is good in the hard things in our world. A very important person told me once that we must be grateful for the difficulties and challenges in our lives for they hold blessings. In fact, we can’t grow without them.”

“Who was that person?” The little girl asked.

The old gardener smiled, looked up, and said, “C’mon, I’ll introduce you.”

And with that, the old gardener stood up and helped the little girl to her feet, Forrest still snuggly in her hands.

As they walked out of the garden towards the house, the old gardener stopped at the post. There was a small book covered from the rain. He took out a pen and wrote something down and then offered it to the little girl.

“Every time I leave here, I write something for which I’m grateful. That means something that has made me happy. Do you want to write something down yourself?”

She looked down and read what he had written: I’m grateful to have finally met my great-granddaughter and for all the teachers and challenges that helped me become the man I am today.

The little girl looked up in surprise. This man was her great-grandfather?

“Honey, I’ve had to work for a long time to become a more kind and grateful person. This garden has helped me get through a lot pain and bad decisions. Thankfully, your mother, my grand-daughter, believed in me enough to move close. And now, I get to be close to you, too.

Now, would you like to write something in the grate-full book?”

Not knowing how to write very well, she simply wrote down ‘me, too’ with a smiley face and her name. Flipping to the front of the book, she noticed her mom’s name in very similar writing as her own.

“C’mon, kiddo,” said her great-grandfather. “Let’s go see your mother. I can’t wait to catch up with both of you.”

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But did we change anything? Did you spend the whole day reveling in something you rarely if ever enjoy? Perhaps a swim in a chocolate fountain? Maybe you painted your room some really fun colors. Perhaps you spent the entire day with the people who bring out the best in you, laughing to the point of snarfing.

The funny thing is that the calendar is just a constraint for our planning. Our time on earth didn’t change just because the calendar said we had an extra day. We got to enjoy (or not depending on your choice of attitude) the same about of time on the 29^th as we did the 28^th of February.

Helpful Constraints

Did you know that the beloved children’s book Green Eggs and Ham came from a bet? A good friend bet Dr. Seuss that he couldn’t write a great children’s book using 50 words or less. (Who do you think won the bet?)

What other constraints are useful? We present a number at camp with which our campers and staff are familiar.

No cell phones. No technology except for something that only plays music. We have set bed- times and wake-up times. We have some choice in the Dining Hall but that list is about 5 or 6 items long rather than a full menu at a restaurant. The speed our waterski and tubing boat stays constrained to safe (and fun!) speeds.

When you think about it, we’ve got a LOT more constraints in camp than we do at home on a relaxed weekend. And yet… camp is more fun than a lazy weekend at home. In fact, I would argue that we have more fun at camp BECAUSE of the constraints rather than in spite of them.

We aren’t trying to decide between 50 different ideas of what to do this afternoon. You aren’t trying to decide where to spend your time online. There are no worries about picking your food from a long list of options or your clothes out of your ample closet.

At Weequahic, we narrow things down to the essential, to the events and activities and friends and mentors that help create amazing. These are the situations in which you can flourish, which bring out your best self.

No distractions. No unlimited choice. Just the people and the moments that matter.

Those are the kind of constraints we need in our lives. Have a great weekend!

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Sometimes, we put our own thoughts, videos or comments ‘out there’ for others to consume. Hopefully, they react positively, showering our output with favorable reviews, likes, or, even better, comments and shares. Sometimes, we get the opposite: negative reviews. Sometimes it’s even worse – no response at all.

Performing

In these situations, regardless of the outcome, we are performing, aren’t we? We are putting some form of performance out into the medium to which, we hope, others will react. We are hoping to delight, confound, inform, entertain, or shout down.

Shakespeare has a widely known quote about this idea of performance:

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players….”

The same can be said for our homes, classrooms, offices or bunks. Do we play the class clown? What about the studious one? Do we play the martyr. How about the ‘glitter’ or the ‘glue?’

Coming through middle school, I decided I’d play ‘the nice one.’ It helped me with the teachers, certainly, though it didn’t play as well with the other kids. Thankfully, I had two fantastic friends who stuck with me no matter what so it didn’t matter what the others said or thought.

Living

But what happens when we stop performing? When we drop the mask?

‘No [one], for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.’

Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

Normally, we drop the mask around those who make us feel most safe, the most like ourselves. It’s not about what you are trying to be for others’ approval or expectations. It’s just about being who we actually are.

That’s when we start really living.

Think about the times when you’ve been the most alive, the most excited to be yourself without exception or concern or fear or embellishment. Was it when you rocked a test? How about when you competed and won… or come up just short? Maybe it was in your bunk at camp surrounded by your people.

Looking back over my life to this point, I clearly see the times I wore a mask and performed: my first semester in college, the first graduate course I took as an undergrad, when I wanted to impress a young lady, my first (and second) summer running camp. None of those situations went well.

Lessons Make Us

Without those lessons, I could never have truly learned what makes me come alive.

What are those, you ask? For me, it’s spending time around the campfire with our campers and staff, wrestling with my boys, sitting on the couch with Kate and talking about something we’ve read or listened to, helping a young person grow into a competent, confident adult, cooking something really good….

Do I still perform from time to time? Yes. But those moments are much fewer and further between. And, I’m much better about recognizing those moments, dropping the mask, and returning to the living.

Performing all the time is exhausting. You’ve got to think about the audience, gauge their reactions and change accordingly. It’s a constant juggle and struggle in which even victories are tiring.

Instead, spend more time on being who you are right now or the person you are striving to be. (For example, I’m striving to be a person who eats more salads!) The people in your life who really matter will love you and support you and push you in all the right ways.

Who you are and who you will become is worthy of that love and support and pushing. So, let’s drop our masks, just be ourselves and enjoy it.

Have a great weekend.

(A great book on this subject is Awareness by Anthony De Mello.)

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