Strange title? Probably. But bear with me – I promise there is something useful in those two words.

I’ve written and spoken about our species’ incredible survival to this point. A lot of it can be pointed at our brains’ quick and powerful recognition of risk and danger. This is what kept us – as a species – alive when there were a LOT of things in the world that wanted to eat us for breakfast.

This drive is so powerful, so ingrained in our brains, that it makes all of us humans have a powerful ‘negativity bias.’ That means that when something bad happens, we react with ‘Well… sure. That was always going to go bad.” That thought normally leads to “And I won’t do that again!”

When we were dealing with saber-tooth tigers or eating berries that make you really sick, that’s a great way to approach things. These negative experiences stick to our mind like Velcro. They dig their little hooks into the soft cloth of our minds and just stay there, always reminding us of that negative experience. The remind us to stay safe!

But… What about the Good Stuff?

So, if we – as a species – are predisposed to save the bad experiences in our heads, do we get to really enjoy the good stuff? Absolutely! We humans have always loved dancing around the (controlled) fire, sharing a good meal with close friends, laughing and loving.

We have always sought the good experiences and always will. The problem? When it comes to the good stuff, our mind is bit like Teflon – if we aren’t careful, those good moments hit our brains and just slide right off.

Think about it a moment. What is more powerful in terms of memory? The good or the negative?

I still remember the pain and surprise of getting hit in the face with a snowball when I was 6 years old. I don’t remember anything about the fun we had before or after that in the snow. I can recall with great clarity and detail the worst ‘staff management’ moment in my life but I have a hard time bringing up many of the incredible moments with staff.

But here’s the thing – the negativity bias, while it helped keep us alive, hurts the heck out of us. In this day and age, it’s useful when you’re around a hot stove or walking across the street or avoiding that really mean dog a few houses down.

Power and Practice

But living the negative also cuts us off from experiences that could open up your world, expand your connections and help you soar through life. Are there risks in the world? You bet.

But… is it actually ‘scary’ to make a new friend? It may feel awkward at first but that person in front of you is just that – another person who has the same anxieties and fears as you!

So how do we use the Velcro in our minds to get the good experiences to ‘stick?’ It involves something we do at camp: thinking about and sharing the good.

Simple? You bet! When you take a few moments to remember and share those great moments in the day, you start to ‘seat’ that good memories and moments into your brain.

Is it best to do in the moment? Yes. When you get off the zip line and after you’ve celebrated with your friends, close your eyes and re-live the experience – the zip and the high fives – for about 10 seconds. Same thing when you’ve made a new friend or shared an awesome meal or laughed with your buddies.

But you can also do it at night before you go to bed. The key is being intentional about it. And, if you share it with someone who you know cares for you, you’ll make the memory even more powerful.

Good Results from Thinking about the Good

The more we do this, the negative bias we all have will start to change more towards the ‘positive bias’ or looking for the good. It takes time and intention but it’s not hard. And, it’s the best way to open up your life.

So… now that you know, what will you do? When you get to camp, I bet it’ll be easy to figure out what we want for you. Get ready to share your happies!

See y’all soon.

**This idea comes from Dr. Rick Hanson and his book, Hardwiring Happiness.

When things happen in threes and fours, I take notice and think, ‘Hmm… someone is trying to tell me something. I better listen.’ Here’s why I’m thinking about consequences right now….

I had a conversation with an old camper who I sent home a few years ago.  The actions this camper decided to take over a few summers led being sent home without the chance to return. Now in college, this camper reached out to thank me for how we handled it. Turned out, it was the lesson they needed to change things around.  

Then, I missed a great opportunity for something really fun to share with friends. I failed to ask a simple question of someone who would have been more than happy to help. Because I decided not to ask, Kate and our friends missed making a pretty special memory.

And then, last night, my reading was literally all about ‘if/then’ statements and rulings. (Who knew Exodus was so litigious? Okay, okay – a lot of people did. It was simply surprising timing for me.)

Turns out, I was supposed to think more about ‘consequences.’

All Negative?

Now, when I type that word, I immediately put ‘negative’ in front of it. Do you? As in, “Young man, if you don’t get home on time tonight there will be consequences….”

But that’s not always the case. In fact, there are a lot of great consequences, too.

For example, I’ve been traveling a lot visiting with new families – more than I have since 2019. As a consequence of the work and time (and the fantastic community you campers have built together that I get to show off), we have more new campers than ever before enrolled at this point of the year.

A ‘closer to camp’ example.  When you do something remarkable at camp (like helping to clean up the Dining Hall table without being asked, supporting your friends, etc.), you’ll get recognized by the counselors and Director Kate at the flagpole. That’s a pretty great consequence.

Even easier: when you say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, some nice person at Canteen gives you candy as a consequence of your actions and words. (Almost) FREE CANTEEN!

So, yeah – there are a lot of positive consequences, too. We normally call them ‘rewards’ but that’s just a shorter word for the phrase ‘a consequence that I like.’

The Main Question

Will you accept the consequences of what you choose to do and say? Here’s something important to remember: literally everything we do has consequences.

What you read or listen to or watch influences you in some way, not to mention just paying to attention to that thing or song or screen takes you away from something else. Deciding to turn do trapeze at camp means you can’t do something else at that time during the day. Eating that (third) cookie will taste great… and add too much sugar to your system.

Do some things matter more than others? Probably… but I’m not really convinced on that point.

Some people say ‘don’t sweat the small stuff.’ I think that should be more of a mantra you say to yourself. HOWEVER… your ‘small stuff’ most likely isn’t ‘small stuff’ to the person in front of you. 

You get to pick, though. Now – you want the good news? One of the great things about being humans is that we all – ALL OF US – make mistakes. And, we get to learn and do better the next time.

So, before you get all jammed up about consequences, just take a moment to be grateful for all the great parents, teachers, mentors and friends (and camp directors) who’ll love you no matter what you choose.

Have a great weekend!

I recently read something from Will Ahmed, CEO of Whoop, that I really liked:

“Success is being excited to go to work and being excited to come home.”

Normally, when we are successful, we are happy. I’m not talking about entertained (like we get from a video game or fun video online) or full (from a good meal or dessert).

I’m talking about the feeling you get when you know something  that went well is both right and good. That’s when I find I get really happy.

So, what does really mean? Aristotle may have said it best. From Darrin McMahon:

“Happiness… is an ‘activity of the soul that expresses virtue.’ For Aristotle, all things in the universe have a purpose, a function, an end. And that end, he says, is what gives expression to the highest nature and calling of the thing. In the famous example, the noble end of the acorn is to become a thriving oak, and in the same way the function of the harpist is to play the harp (and of the excellent harpist to play it well).”

When you feel happy, it’s fun, calming and wonderful… like getting under a warm, weighted blanket on a cold morning. It just feels right.

And, if you use one little action we talk a lot about at camp – being grateful for person/moment/thing which led to your happiness – you’ll deepen that connection, strengthen that memory, pump up that feeling of happiness.

The Happies Habit

How do you do that? Well… the 3 Happies at the end of the day is a great habit to develop. Here’s how it works:

Right before you go to bed, talk with someone you care about and ask them for the three things that made them happy that day. It could be anything – it was a beautiful day, the bus was on time, a friend made me laugh, I got all my work done without being rushed, etc.

Then, share your list with them. (You can trade off who asks first if you’d like.)

Finally, if you want a little ‘extra credit’, you can share one thing you are grateful for that the person in front of you did for you that day. You may not think it a big thing – it’s just one little thing, for goodness sakes. 

However, it’s a GREAT ‘little thing’ to think about and share. It makes the other person feel appreciated. And who doesn’t like to feel appreciated?! It could be that they emptied the dishwasher, cooked a nice meal, gave you a hug before you left for school. Lots of things would count!

Success

Going back to the quote that started this whole train of thought: I feel incredibly lucky that I’m excited to get to ‘work’ and excited to get home.

During the off-season, I get to travel to see new families interested in joining our community. I really enjoy meeting them and experiencing the excitement of a new adventure with them. I’m also excited to get home.

While at camp, I’m excited to see what each day will bring as I walk up to the Office to meet with the team early each morning. And, after a (very) full day of fun and community, I’m excited to get home and share my happies and appreciation with Kate… before I pass out for a short night of sleep.

This habit has helped us stay connected through all the craziness of raising three boys, building a community at Weequahic and everything in between. And, I’m convinced it’s helped us both enjoy the success of leading camp (and our lives) together. I hope it’ll help you, too. Have a great week!