In the last week, I’ve read or heard some form of ‘all you can control is the next action.’

One person talked about his super power – ‘I’m really good at breaking things down and taking it one step at a time… and never stopping until it’s done.’

Another, James Clear, wrote, “You can’t make time go faster or success come sooner. The only thing you can control is the next action.”

I agree and would expand the first line a bit. You can’t control other peoples’ decisions, the weather, the traffic, questions on the test, what your camp bunkmates like to listen to or play or eat or how they respond….

The only thing you can choose is the next action.

Next Action

But, what does that encompass? Well… a whole lot.

If you are taking a test, that next action may be answering the question as best you can and then going back and reviewing your materials to see how you did or what you would have done differently.  

Let’s put it in a camp mode: let’s say your new bunkmate said something that you thought was pointed at you and mean. You could pick from a number of possible options: do nothing besides ‘stew’ about it, ignore it, tell a counselor about it or – if you really want to show to yourself you are worth the risk (and, by the way, YOU ARE), you’d calmly ask, ‘Dude – were you trying to be mean?’

Now, are there emotions involved? Of course. We aren’t The Borg, partly human machines that look at situations coldly and pick the appropriate response to suit our current or future needs.

No! We are big, emotional animals with opposable thumbs and a wildly diverse taste in music and food and fun and everything else. But we all share a couple of things – emotional reponses being one of them.

A Story

Quick story to tell you what I mean. A number of years ago, I was cut from a team. It was something I’d worked hard to earn and, in the end, the coach decided I couldn’t help him as much as he wanted. So, I was cut from the team.

Now, my next action in that moment was to fight the emotions I was feeling, to bottle them and move on with a ‘brave face.’

That lasted pretty well for about 5 days until I had a tricky situation with a friend. Rather than handling it calmly, I blew up at him. I mean, I really let him have it, way more than I should have.

That big reaction wasn’t because of that little situation, though. Rather, it was because I had chosen not to process the emotions of loss and frustration and embarrassment and everything else that went along with being cut from the team. I had chosen to try and not feel them.

Looking back on it, I had spent 5 days avoiding something I really needed to feel and process. And, if I was being honest, those had been pretty crummy days, too. Thankfully, my friend was patient and, once I calmed down, helped me through it all.

Positive Actions, Too!

So… what are your next actions? And, I’m not talking only about the ‘negative’ stuff like not knowing an answer or getting cut from a team. I’m talking about the good stuff, too. For example, after dinner one night, I laughed out-loud at reading something a friend had sent while Kate & Luke was cleaning the table. (Relax – I had cooked the meal and was happy to sit for a bit.)

Kate asked, ‘Would you have laughed like that if you were here alone.’ I didn’t have to think – the answer was ‘of course!’ Why? Because I choose to laugh at funny things, (almost) no matter where I am.

Ah, my friends… it all comes back to that one, very powerful and not always appreciated human gift we have: the ability to choose our next action.

Thankfully, it’s something we’ll playfully get to practice at Weequahic this summer. See you soon!

Strange title? Probably. But bear with me – I promise there is something useful in those two words.

I’ve written and spoken about our species’ incredible survival to this point. A lot of it can be pointed at our brains’ quick and powerful recognition of risk and danger. This is what kept us – as a species – alive when there were a LOT of things in the world that wanted to eat us for breakfast.

This drive is so powerful, so ingrained in our brains, that it makes all of us humans have a powerful ‘negativity bias.’ That means that when something bad happens, we react with ‘Well… sure. That was always going to go bad.” That thought normally leads to “And I won’t do that again!”

When we were dealing with saber-tooth tigers or eating berries that make you really sick, that’s a great way to approach things. These negative experiences stick to our mind like Velcro. They dig their little hooks into the soft cloth of our minds and just stay there, always reminding us of that negative experience. The remind us to stay safe!

But… What about the Good Stuff?

So, if we – as a species – are predisposed to save the bad experiences in our heads, do we get to really enjoy the good stuff? Absolutely! We humans have always loved dancing around the (controlled) fire, sharing a good meal with close friends, laughing and loving.

We have always sought the good experiences and always will. The problem? When it comes to the good stuff, our mind is bit like Teflon – if we aren’t careful, those good moments hit our brains and just slide right off.

Think about it a moment. What is more powerful in terms of memory? The good or the negative?

I still remember the pain and surprise of getting hit in the face with a snowball when I was 6 years old. I don’t remember anything about the fun we had before or after that in the snow. I can recall with great clarity and detail the worst ‘staff management’ moment in my life but I have a hard time bringing up many of the incredible moments with staff.

But here’s the thing – the negativity bias, while it helped keep us alive, hurts the heck out of us. In this day and age, it’s useful when you’re around a hot stove or walking across the street or avoiding that really mean dog a few houses down.

Power and Practice

But living the negative also cuts us off from experiences that could open up your world, expand your connections and help you soar through life. Are there risks in the world? You bet.

But… is it actually ‘scary’ to make a new friend? It may feel awkward at first but that person in front of you is just that – another person who has the same anxieties and fears as you!

So how do we use the Velcro in our minds to get the good experiences to ‘stick?’ It involves something we do at camp: thinking about and sharing the good.

Simple? You bet! When you take a few moments to remember and share those great moments in the day, you start to ‘seat’ that good memories and moments into your brain.

Is it best to do in the moment? Yes. When you get off the zip line and after you’ve celebrated with your friends, close your eyes and re-live the experience – the zip and the high fives – for about 10 seconds. Same thing when you’ve made a new friend or shared an awesome meal or laughed with your buddies.

But you can also do it at night before you go to bed. The key is being intentional about it. And, if you share it with someone who you know cares for you, you’ll make the memory even more powerful.

Good Results from Thinking about the Good

The more we do this, the negative bias we all have will start to change more towards the ‘positive bias’ or looking for the good. It takes time and intention but it’s not hard. And, it’s the best way to open up your life.

So… now that you know, what will you do? When you get to camp, I bet it’ll be easy to figure out what we want for you. Get ready to share your happies!

See y’all soon.

**This idea comes from Dr. Rick Hanson and his book, Hardwiring Happiness.

When things happen in threes and fours, I take notice and think, ‘Hmm… someone is trying to tell me something. I better listen.’ Here’s why I’m thinking about consequences right now….

I had a conversation with an old camper who I sent home a few years ago.  The actions this camper decided to take over a few summers led being sent home without the chance to return. Now in college, this camper reached out to thank me for how we handled it. Turned out, it was the lesson they needed to change things around.  

Then, I missed a great opportunity for something really fun to share with friends. I failed to ask a simple question of someone who would have been more than happy to help. Because I decided not to ask, Kate and our friends missed making a pretty special memory.

And then, last night, my reading was literally all about ‘if/then’ statements and rulings. (Who knew Exodus was so litigious? Okay, okay – a lot of people did. It was simply surprising timing for me.)

Turns out, I was supposed to think more about ‘consequences.’

All Negative?

Now, when I type that word, I immediately put ‘negative’ in front of it. Do you? As in, “Young man, if you don’t get home on time tonight there will be consequences….”

But that’s not always the case. In fact, there are a lot of great consequences, too.

For example, I’ve been traveling a lot visiting with new families – more than I have since 2019. As a consequence of the work and time (and the fantastic community you campers have built together that I get to show off), we have more new campers than ever before enrolled at this point of the year.

A ‘closer to camp’ example.  When you do something remarkable at camp (like helping to clean up the Dining Hall table without being asked, supporting your friends, etc.), you’ll get recognized by the counselors and Director Kate at the flagpole. That’s a pretty great consequence.

Even easier: when you say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, some nice person at Canteen gives you candy as a consequence of your actions and words. (Almost) FREE CANTEEN!

So, yeah – there are a lot of positive consequences, too. We normally call them ‘rewards’ but that’s just a shorter word for the phrase ‘a consequence that I like.’

The Main Question

Will you accept the consequences of what you choose to do and say? Here’s something important to remember: literally everything we do has consequences.

What you read or listen to or watch influences you in some way, not to mention just paying to attention to that thing or song or screen takes you away from something else. Deciding to turn do trapeze at camp means you can’t do something else at that time during the day. Eating that (third) cookie will taste great… and add too much sugar to your system.

Do some things matter more than others? Probably… but I’m not really convinced on that point.

Some people say ‘don’t sweat the small stuff.’ I think that should be more of a mantra you say to yourself. HOWEVER… your ‘small stuff’ most likely isn’t ‘small stuff’ to the person in front of you. 

You get to pick, though. Now – you want the good news? One of the great things about being humans is that we all – ALL OF US – make mistakes. And, we get to learn and do better the next time.

So, before you get all jammed up about consequences, just take a moment to be grateful for all the great parents, teachers, mentors and friends (and camp directors) who’ll love you no matter what you choose.

Have a great weekend!