Kiddos, I promise this not a history or English lesson. Instead, it’s an old idea that is just as useful – perhaps even more so – today. So… a bit of an opener:
A New York City-based researcher and teacher on emotions recently gave a talk to a high school of 1500 students. He did a bit of research with them prior to his talk. He asked them all to let him know (anonymously) which emotions they most often felt at school.
Now, when I think about what y’all will be feeling most, I would have bet money the answer would be ‘anxiety.’ That’s been the main source of anxiety for the parents with whom I speak about you during the year.
Well… we ‘adults’ would be wrong. The emotion most felt by these 1500 high schoolers?
Envy.
That means looking at someone else and wishing you had what (you think*) they have. A better grade point average or hair or social media following or calmness or whatever. Surprising but true. But it’s holding young people back from being their best.
How do you get past it? Two ways. Here’s the first:
Reframing
Some of you wear glasses or contacts all the time. I wear two different sets of frames often. My sunglasses help me when I drive to see new campers. The other lenses I use are to help me read (and type this!) As I get older, this part of my vision continues to get worse. It’s not terrible… but I definitely need these ‘reader frames’ to help.
I also wear another set of frames from time to time that no one sees: the green-eyed envy frames.
Shakespeare wrote a line in Othello talking about envy:
O, beware, my lord, of envy; ‘tis a green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat upon which it feeds.
I read that a long time ago and it always stuck with me. When I look at someone with a repeatable, effortless golf swing, I’m envious. Someone who can handle the intricacies of the tax code, I’m envious. My sister-in-law who seems to be able to eat whatever holiday treat she likes without worry… I’m envious.
But – that emotion doesn’t help me. Unless… unless I reframe the situation.
Rather than looking at Nelly’s golf swing with envy, I can reframe it to be ‘what can I learn from her move to apply to my own?’ Same thing with understanding the tax code or recognize how much my sister-in-law exercises and drinks so much water, etc.
If you reframe the feeling as an opportunity to learn from or imitate something admirable, you’ll begin to use that envy for good. There is a second way to get past the negative effects of envy:
Gratitude
Full disclosure: when I heard the researcher say this second answer to getting past envy, I yelled out ‘YES!’ in my car. (Thankfully, I was alone!)
My friends, when you feel envy and then think about all the good in your life – your great school, teacher, friends, family, home, opportunities for activities, CAMP and more… it begins to swamp those envious feelings. It turns your eyes from the envious shade of green to whatever natural color they are. (There are different shades of green, you know….)
But, is that enough? Just thinking about a couple of good things every now and then?
Well… that helps but only in the way an Advil takes away the discomfort in my lower back: just for a little while. Until I start stretching more, that pain is going to be there.
But, if you practice your gratitude daily – telling a loved one each night your top three, for example – you start to focus more on that which brings you joy and peace and calm.
You’ll notice that you’ll be less focused on that which you don’t have (and think that other person does*) and more on all the good in your life.
My friend, beware the green-eyed monster of envy. If you let it, it’ll eat you up. Instead, reframe and get better. And… be grateful. Every day.
*That friend or acquaintance you think is killing it? Careful here: you are comparing ALL of the information you have about yourself with the little you think you know about your friends. In other words, you are comparing your inside with everyone else’s outside.
More than likely, they are struggling with something else. We all are. It’s a natural condition of us humans. Be kind to yourself… and those around you. You’ve got no idea of what is going on in their heads or hearts.
PS – Happy New Year!
